God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize