Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
