I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
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