i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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