I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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