she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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