There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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