I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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