she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
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How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
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I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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