god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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