I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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