Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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