gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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