I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
