Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
