At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
how drunk are you?
Several
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
