I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
