My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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