quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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