Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
