Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
