Define "chronic" masturbator.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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