And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
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