Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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