i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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