Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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