theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
