I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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