I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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