you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
