two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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