Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
