I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
