omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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