Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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