Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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