She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
