It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
