I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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