I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
