she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
