If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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