Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
