Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
