I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Even the bartender felt bad for me
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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