I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
