shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
