rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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