Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
