When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
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The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
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I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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