it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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