Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
