My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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